Showing posts with label TOP TEN. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TOP TEN. Show all posts
Monday, July 21, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
MORE ELIOT SPITZER JOKES PLEASE !
LETTERMAN'S Top Ten SURPRIZES AT ELLIOT SPITZER'S RESIGNATION SPEECH
10)Entered to the sounds of Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'"
9)Opening line: "Are you a cop?"
8)Spent two minutes seductively stroking the microphone
7)Reaffirmed his policy of "Bro's before Ho's"
6)His decision not to wear pants
5)Admitted he also once made out with former Governor Pataki
4)Credited downfall to fast-paced lifestyle of Albany
3)He was kinda pitchy, dawg
2)Said he thought the Emperor's Club was a Chinese restaurant
1)When reporters asked how much he paid per hour, his wife said, "Believe me, he doesn't need an hour !
AROUND THE LATE NIGHT HORN WITH ELLIOT SPITZER
"Last night, what a horrible audience. It's not so much that they were horrible. They were just quiet. My God, it was like dinner at the Spitzers." --David Letterman
"I guess you heard the big news. Governor Eliot Spitzer, governor of New York, resigned today. He left his resignation on the night table with a $300 tip." --David Letterman
"Now, here's the deal about the tryst down there in a Washington, DC, hotel -- $5,000 and a hotel room. Five grand and a hotel room. And Senator Larry Craig -- you remember Larry from Idaho? He said, 'Well, that's crazy. For two quarters, I can have a pay toilet all night.'" --David Letterman
"Earlier today, the governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, has resigned. In his resignation speech, Spitzer said, 'To whom much has been given, much is expected.' Which is the same thing he said to that $5,000 hooker." --Jay Leno
"Although Spitzer only spoke for 2 minutes and 40 seconds, he still had to pay for the entire hour." --Jay Leno
"He will be the first visually impaired governor in the history of the United States. See, a lot of people thought Bill Clinton was the first blind governor, because he hit on Paula Jones." --Jay Leno
"No, the FBI said they became suspicious after tracking what they call 'questionable transfers of money' from Spitzer's account. See, at first they thought he was hiding bribe money. And then they realized it's highly unlikely that the governor would be bribed by a woman named Cindy Candypants." --Jay Leno
"Our governor, Eliot Spitzer, resigned today. ... And to make things official, Governor Spitzer had to write a letter of resignation to New York's secretary of state. He wrote a letter. Yeah. Out of habit, Spitzer addressed the letter 'Dear Penthouse.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Republican presidential candidate John McCain is in the news. John McCain says he's trying to find a vice presidential running mate. Not only that, McCain is also trying to find his reading glasses and his car keys. ... He's an older gentleman. That's the idea there. You'll be hearing more of those in the next nine months, because that's our take. Until he gets a whore." --Conan O'Brien
"Some of the more sordid details are starting to emerge, supposedly, Spitzer didn't like to wear a condom which I'm sure was just the cherry on top of his wife's cake." --Jimmy Kimmel
10)Entered to the sounds of Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'"
9)Opening line: "Are you a cop?"
8)Spent two minutes seductively stroking the microphone
7)Reaffirmed his policy of "Bro's before Ho's"
6)His decision not to wear pants
5)Admitted he also once made out with former Governor Pataki
4)Credited downfall to fast-paced lifestyle of Albany
3)He was kinda pitchy, dawg
2)Said he thought the Emperor's Club was a Chinese restaurant
1)When reporters asked how much he paid per hour, his wife said, "Believe me, he doesn't need an hour !
AROUND THE LATE NIGHT HORN WITH ELLIOT SPITZER
"Last night, what a horrible audience. It's not so much that they were horrible. They were just quiet. My God, it was like dinner at the Spitzers." --David Letterman
"I guess you heard the big news. Governor Eliot Spitzer, governor of New York, resigned today. He left his resignation on the night table with a $300 tip." --David Letterman
"Now, here's the deal about the tryst down there in a Washington, DC, hotel -- $5,000 and a hotel room. Five grand and a hotel room. And Senator Larry Craig -- you remember Larry from Idaho? He said, 'Well, that's crazy. For two quarters, I can have a pay toilet all night.'" --David Letterman
"Earlier today, the governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, has resigned. In his resignation speech, Spitzer said, 'To whom much has been given, much is expected.' Which is the same thing he said to that $5,000 hooker." --Jay Leno
"Although Spitzer only spoke for 2 minutes and 40 seconds, he still had to pay for the entire hour." --Jay Leno
"He will be the first visually impaired governor in the history of the United States. See, a lot of people thought Bill Clinton was the first blind governor, because he hit on Paula Jones." --Jay Leno
"No, the FBI said they became suspicious after tracking what they call 'questionable transfers of money' from Spitzer's account. See, at first they thought he was hiding bribe money. And then they realized it's highly unlikely that the governor would be bribed by a woman named Cindy Candypants." --Jay Leno
"Our governor, Eliot Spitzer, resigned today. ... And to make things official, Governor Spitzer had to write a letter of resignation to New York's secretary of state. He wrote a letter. Yeah. Out of habit, Spitzer addressed the letter 'Dear Penthouse.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Republican presidential candidate John McCain is in the news. John McCain says he's trying to find a vice presidential running mate. Not only that, McCain is also trying to find his reading glasses and his car keys. ... He's an older gentleman. That's the idea there. You'll be hearing more of those in the next nine months, because that's our take. Until he gets a whore." --Conan O'Brien
"Some of the more sordid details are starting to emerge, supposedly, Spitzer didn't like to wear a condom which I'm sure was just the cherry on top of his wife's cake." --Jimmy Kimmel
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM A GUY DRESSED AS A MONSTER
MOST ARE LAME BUT ITS WORTH THE WAIT FOR #1
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
LETTERMAN TOP 10 DELIVERED BY STRIKING WRITERS
NEW YORK - Striking television writers delivered David Letterman's Top 10 list, "Demands of the Striking Writers," on his show Wednesday:
10. "Complimentary tote bag with next insulting contract offer" — Tim Carvell, from "The Daily Show."
9. "No rollbacks in health benefits, so I can treat the hypothermia I caught on the picket lines" — Laura Krafft, from "The Colbert Report."
8. "Full salary and benefits for my imaginary writing partner, Lester" — Melissa Salmons, writer for daytime TV.
7. "Members of the AMPTP must explain what the hell AMPTP stands for" — Warren Leight, writer for "Law & Order: Criminal Intent."
6. "No disciplinary action taken against any writer caught having inappropriate relationship with a copier" — Jay Katsir, from "The Colbert Report."
5. "I'd like a date with a woman" — Steve Bodow, from "The Daily Show."
4. "Hazard pay for breaking up fights on `The View'" — from writer and director Nora Ephron.
3. "I'm no accountant, but instead of us getting 4 cents for a $20 DVD, how about we get $20 for a 4-cent DVD?" — Gina Johnfrido of "Law & Order."
2. "I don't have a joke. I just want to remind everyone that we're on strike, so none of us are responsible for this lame list" — Chris Albers from Conan O'Brien's "Late Night."
1. "Producers must immediately remove their heads from their -----" — author Alan Zwiebel.
10. "Complimentary tote bag with next insulting contract offer" — Tim Carvell, from "The Daily Show."
9. "No rollbacks in health benefits, so I can treat the hypothermia I caught on the picket lines" — Laura Krafft, from "The Colbert Report."
8. "Full salary and benefits for my imaginary writing partner, Lester" — Melissa Salmons, writer for daytime TV.
7. "Members of the AMPTP must explain what the hell AMPTP stands for" — Warren Leight, writer for "Law & Order: Criminal Intent."
6. "No disciplinary action taken against any writer caught having inappropriate relationship with a copier" — Jay Katsir, from "The Colbert Report."
5. "I'd like a date with a woman" — Steve Bodow, from "The Daily Show."
4. "Hazard pay for breaking up fights on `The View'" — from writer and director Nora Ephron.
3. "I'm no accountant, but instead of us getting 4 cents for a $20 DVD, how about we get $20 for a 4-cent DVD?" — Gina Johnfrido of "Law & Order."
2. "I don't have a joke. I just want to remind everyone that we're on strike, so none of us are responsible for this lame list" — Chris Albers from Conan O'Brien's "Late Night."
1. "Producers must immediately remove their heads from their -----" — author Alan Zwiebel.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
LETTERMAN'S TOP 10 "MICHAEL VICK EXCUSES"
Top Ten Michael Vick Excuses
Top Ten
10)"House came with a dogfighting pit, and it seemed like a shame to waste it"
9)"Wanted to distract the public from crooked NBA referees and cheating baseball players"
8)"Judgment was impaired by playing with lead-based Chinese toys"
7)"I was training the dogs to...uhhhhhh...get Osama"
6)"Always wanted to be quarterback for a prison team, like in 'The Longest Yard'"
5)"Steroids made me all crazy"
4)"Eddie Brill told me I needed something big to close on"
3)"Oh like you've never run an illegal dogfighting ring"
2)"Thought I could get out of it by buying Kobe Bryant's wife a diamond"
1)"Fights weren't worse than what you see on 'The View'"
Top Ten
10)"House came with a dogfighting pit, and it seemed like a shame to waste it"
9)"Wanted to distract the public from crooked NBA referees and cheating baseball players"
8)"Judgment was impaired by playing with lead-based Chinese toys"
7)"I was training the dogs to...uhhhhhh...get Osama"
6)"Always wanted to be quarterback for a prison team, like in 'The Longest Yard'"
5)"Steroids made me all crazy"
4)"Eddie Brill told me I needed something big to close on"
3)"Oh like you've never run an illegal dogfighting ring"
2)"Thought I could get out of it by buying Kobe Bryant's wife a diamond"
1)"Fights weren't worse than what you see on 'The View'"
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
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