Top Ten Cloves: Possible new fees banks will start charging

By J. Thomas Duffy


News Item:  Banks likely to try range of new fees


10.  The Kardashian Charge - Get divorced after 72-days, fees, fees, fees ...


  9.  Don't have your own Deposit or Withdrawal Slips? ... Just rent one of the banks, for a fee


  8.  ATM's will have "Coin Slots" (like old public pay phones) if you want to use them


  7.  HuffPo Model:  You can work at the bank, not get paid salary - and get charged with a fee


  6.  Need to speak to the Bank Manager? ... You can book time with him, for a fee ...


  5.  Fee for just walking into the bank


  4.  Don't have a pen to write out deposit/withdrawal slip? ... Bank has one, for a fee ...


  3.  The Jeopardy Fee; You didn't phrase your transaction request in the form of a question


  2. Car loans, instead of based on amount/time/years/, will be based on cars' weight


  1.  Groucho Marx Fee - Don't know the Secret Word, it will cost you a $100 fee


 
(Image courtesy of Tom Priest at "In a Nutshell")


Bonus Riffs


Will Oremus: Fee-Market Capitalism - Bank of America learns it has to be more subtle about screwing its customers.


Lauri Apple: More Banks Scrap Debit Card Fee Idea


Even The S.E.C Thinks Goldman Sucks!

Cross posted on The Garlic: All The Cloves Fit To Peel

Top Ten Cloves: Things to look forward to with Apple's TV

By J. Thomas Duffy 

News Item: Analysts: Apple likely to release television set within two years.

10.  Vegas taking bets first prototype television will be found in bar in Redwood City. 

9.  In nod to early television, instead of rabbit ears, it will have two Apple stems.

8.  Nano version of Apple television only lets you watch three channels.

7.  Receive discount if if wearing black turtleneck when purchasing television.

6.  Extra commercials programmed in, pitching the Steve Jobs bio. 

5.  Power source on television runs low, must lug into Apple Store for new power sources.

4.  Any music in TV programming will be automatically loaded, and billed, to your iPod.

3.  Must purchase all your programs via Apple Apps Store.

2.  Siri will refuse to let you watch Fox News Channel.

1.  Kids' finger smudges on television screen will drive you crazy.



Bonus Riffs

Dan Frommer: Here’s how Apple could finally put the “TV” in Apple TV

Slash Lane: NYT: Apple expected to release Siri-powered television by 2013

Adam Satariano: Apple TV Project Is Said to Be Led By ITunes Creator Robbin

Steve Jobs Announces "Klaatu barada nikto!", New iBuilding

Apple, Belatedly, Launches New iLocater

iToy

(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)

Top Ten Cloves: Possible reasons Muammar Qaddafi is not being buried at sea

By J. Thomas Duffy 

News Item: Gadhafi body stashed in shopping center freezer.

10. Secret plan to just dump him in Zuccotti Park, and blame OWS crowd.

9. Can't find a Sea that will take him.

8. Libya doesn't have a Navy anymore.

7. Not sure if there were enough front-page death photos to warrant it.

6. Conflict with the World Series.

5. Everybody too busy reading new Bio on Steve Jobs.

4. Waiting to see if Groupon issues a discount coupon for it.

3. Negotiating with Will Ferrell to do a cheap dramatization of it.

2. Talking with the Head of The Charles Regatta, to see if they can handle it.

1. President Obama has already used up his "Frequent-Burial-At-Sea" miles for the year.

 

Bonus Riffs

BBC: Row over Muammar Gaddafi's body delays burial plans

Mary Hockaday: The challenges of reporting Gaddafi's death

Craig Silverman: The Story of the Gaddafi Story - How news of the Libyan leader’s demise spread on Twitter

Top Ten Cloves: Possible Places Muammar Gaddafi Is Hiding

Top Ten Cloves: Possible Disney Navy Seal Team 6 Movies To Be Release

Top Ten Cloves: Things Ex-President Hosni Mubarak Might Do When He Steps Down

(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)

Top Ten Cloves: Things Peyton Manning might be doing while he recovers from neck surgery

By J. Thomas Duffy 

News Item: Peyton Manning's receiving stem cell therapy thrusts medical procedures back into sports spotlight 

10. "Hmmm... maybe since Modern Family won a lot of Emmy Awards, they might have a spot for me... a broken-down, ex-football-player, uncle-type role..."

9. With all the doctors working on him, see if they can qualify under President Obama's new jobs plan, maybe get some federal funding out of it.

8. Will have time to figure out just what the heck Netflix is doing.

7. Give Lorne Michaels a call, maybe hook up again with Saturday Night Live.

6. See if Google wants an all-star endorser for its new Google Wallet.

5. Two words: Fantasy Football!!!

4. Might check out Sarah Palin, see if she's interested in hooking up with a legendary quarterback.

3. "Hmmm... Yahoo has an opening... I can even do some commercials... Yahooooooo!!!"

2. Actually, having bolts inserted into both sides of neck and will announce shift to WWE as new evil bad guy, "Peytonstein."

1. "Damn everybody, I've always wanted to be... a lumberjack."

 

Bonus Peyton Manning Riffs

Dan Childs: Peyton Manning’s Stem Cell Hail Mary

Jay Glazer: Manning chooses speedier recovery

Allen Barra: Goodbye to Peyton Manning, Greatest Quarterback of the 21st Century

Top Ten Cloves: Possible Reasons Peyton Manning Threw Six Interceptions Last Evening

It's a "Who Dat" Kind of World Now!

Top Ten Cloves: Possible places Muammar Gaddafi is hiding

By J. Thomas Duffy 



News Item: Qaddafi’s Complex Falls to Revolutionaries 



10. Near the epicenter of the big East Coast Earthquake 



9. Detroit -- grab one of those $1,000 houses and toss an idea or two to Mayor Dave Bing 



8. At Hewlett Packard (forced them to spin off PC unit) 



7. Sneakily, behind Hurricane Irene 



6. As Rick Perry's campaign manager 



5. The Kardashian wedding 



4.  Some place the Navy Seals can't find him



3.  The London riots (he may have thrown a rock or two) 



2.  As an anonymous, wage-less writer for The Huffington Post 



1.  With LeGone James ,one non-finisher with another







(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)

Top Ten Cloves: Other Pope Tweets

By J. Thomas Duffy


News Item: Pope sends first tweet, launching new Vatican site


10.  Can't wait to see Transformers 3 ...


  9.  Anybody know how to upload some pics to FB? ... Shitass things won't take ...


  8.  Don't know bout this writer, but we doin fabulous with deals from Groupon ... Got this badass iPad with bomb of a discount!


  7.  Who looks better in his shorts, me or that Weiner guy?


  6.  Tell the Egyptians to "Get A Life!"


  5.  Follow Me! ... I want to make a run at Lady Gaga this month, for tops!


  4.  WTF NY? ... We'll have to reach out to our boy Pat Robertson, see if he can conjure up a hurricane or tornado ...


  3.  Here's a "Shout Out" to my boys in Philly ... Hang tough, we'll all get thur this (and use the Woodstock thing, it's the bomb)


  2.  I don't know about you, but I would $$ to see Bachmann and Palin mud wrestle!


  1.  Hey ChrisF on Haypi Kingdom, I'm cummin' after U MFer! ... U stole my crops!



Bonus Riffs


Blessed be thy tweeters: Pope issues praise in fewer than 140 characters


Know Thy Pope


Retro Garlic: "We Got An Eight-Page Layout With Viceroy ... The New Pope Is A Thinking Man ..."


Vatican Discounts "Bonfire Pope"; Says Flames "Not Hunched Over Enough"


Top Ten Cloves: Things The Vatican Has Done To Make Good Friday Even Better

Cross posted on The Garlic: All The Cloves Fit To Peel

Top Ten Cloves: Possible reasons Sarah Palin cancelled her bus tour

By J. Thomas Duffy 

News Item: Report: Sarah Palin quits bus tour halfway through, retreats to Alaska

10.  Looking to get in line early for the new iPhone

9.  Believed, since trademark of her name came through, if continued tour, would have to sue herself

8.  Just following history - didn't Paul Revere take a break during his ride?

7.  Couldn't miss another minute of the Casey Anthony trial

6.  The GPS in Palin's bus is on the same system as the one used by United Airlines

5.  Already quit the Governor's job - what else was left to quit?

4.  Took advice from LeGone James to just sit out the last quarter of the tour

3.  Wanted to get off the road in time to catch Keith Olbermann's debut on CurrentTV

2.  Has a new idea, to do, kind of, a "Winning" tour, like Charlie Sheen

1.  Lost the bus to Tobey Maguire in a poker game

 

Bonus Riffs 

Kirsten Boyd Johnson: Sarah Palin Follows Comedy Rules And Quits Bus Tour Halfway Through

Alex Pareene: Sarah Palin baffles and frustrates fans by quitting bus tour 

Dan Amira: Sarah Palin Was Supposed to Be Delighting Us All With Another Bus Tour by Now

Colby Hall: No Joke: Sarah Palin Reportedly Quits One Nation Bus Tour Halfway Through 

(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)

Top Ten Cloves: Possible Disney "Navy Seal Team 6" movies to be released

By J. Thomas Duffy 

Disney doesn't have to go far to exploit the killing of Osama bid Laden by the Navy Seal Team 6, it can just dip into the vast reservoir of its own film vault and rework storylines. 

News Item: Disney Trademarks "Seal Team 6" 

10. 101 Navy Seal Team 6's (Navy Seal Team 6 disrupts Al Qaeda suicide dog attack)

9. Song of the Seal Team 6 (Human interest pic of first African-American in Seal Team 6)

8. Terrorists in the Outfield (Summer 2012 - Al Qaeda targets Game 7 of World Series, but Navy Seal Team 6 swoops in, foils plot, and saves all the baseball players and fans)

7. That Darn Osama! (Navy Seal Team 6 adopts stray Islamic cat that leads them to Osama bin Laden)

6. The Shaggy Seal Team 6 (Navy Seal Team 6 shape-shifts into old English sheep dogs and herds all the terrorists into jail)

5. Honey, I Shrunk Osama Bin Laden (After accidentally shrinking Osama bid Laden, Navy Seal Team 6 gets shrunk to hunt down and kill him)

4. Who Framed Osama Bin Laden? (First animated Navy Seal Team 6 pic - Bob Hoskins returns as the private detective and helps Navy Seal Team 6 work through an army of Disney and other cartoon characters to track down Osama bin Laden and kill him)

3. The Absent-Minded Jihadist (With nod to original pic, Navy Seal Team 6 discovers old Pentagon Flubber files and develops Flubber Airplanes and other weapons to hunt down and kill Osama bin Laden)

2. 20,000 Terrorists Under The Sea (Water adventure, borrowing from Pirates of the Caribbean - Disney sees multiple sequels with this)

1. The Navy Seal 6 King (Another animated pic, staying close to original, telling tale of young Navy Seal 6 team member destined to become team leader but having to deal with disgruntled team member, overcoming numerous plots to kill him before youngster beats him back and emerges victorious, with other Team 6 members bowing to him)

 

Richard K. Barry: Is Disney really going to trademark "SEAL Team 6"?

Daily Mail: Disney trademarks 'Seal Team 6' for toys, games, movies, snow globes and Christmas stockings TWO days after daring Bin Laden mission

John Cook: Disney Trademarks "SEAL Team 6"

(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)

Top Ten Cloves ... Charlie Sheen is so winning that...

By J. Thomas Duffy

News Item: Charlie Sheen: As American as Apple Pie

10. The tsunami that hit Japan asked his permission first

9. He gave LeGone James the talents to take to South Beach

8. When he goes on Twitter, system gives him as many characters as he wants

7. The protesters didn't push Hosni Mubarak out of office, a simple, short-and-sweet phone call from Charlie did it

6. He gets full-functionality, 4G iPhone service with just two Dixie cups and a string

5. He's the only person Keyser Söze fears

4. When he goes swimming in the ocean, sharks can only smell winning in the water and leave Charlie alone

3. Spilled milk cries, but only if it's Charlie who spilled it

2. He gives ice cream  brain-freeze headaches

1. He can get Superman to deliver Kryptonite

Nathan Heller: He may be winning, but we're losing.

Ken Baker and Brandi Fowler: Charlie Sheen's "Violent Torpedo of Truth" Targets America and Beyond

Steve Greenlee: Charlie Sheen: Live in Boston

Charlie Sheen’s ‘Winning’ T-Shirts

(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)

Top Ten Cloves: Things Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak might do when he steps down

By J. Thomas Duffy

News Item: Egypt's Mubarak to step down, sources say

10. Nothing, until he sees the new X-Men: First Class movie

9. Maybe a trip to Los Angeles, as he sheepishly admits to having a crush on Lindsey Lohan

8. Has a hankering to do one of those reality shows, like Sarah Palin's Alaska show

7. See if there's another opening at Current TV

6. Would like to lose a little weight -- plans on connecting with Kevin Smith to see how he did it

5. If they can work out the kinks, might like to try having camera implanted in his head

4. Already talking with Arianna Huffington about being the CairoPatch correspondent

3. Look into one of those $1,000 houses Detroit Mayor Dave Bing is offering

2. Join Faux News -- thinks he can make up stuff just as good as anyone else

1. Might give that posing shirtless on Craigslist, to pick up women, a try

Bonus Riffs

NYT: Egypt’s Army Signals Transfer of Power

Steve Benen: THE DAY EVERYTHING CHANGES IN EGYPT?

Steve M: MUBARAK TO STEP DOWN? ENTIRE FOX AUDIENCE TO SEEK FORTIFIED BUNKERS?

Updated Riffs

BBC: Egypt's Mubarak refuses to quit ...Egypt's President Hosni Mubarak has said he will stay in office and transfer all power only after September's presidential election

ABC News: Hosni Mubarak Doesn't Resign, Cairo's Tahrir Square Erupts with Anger Egypt's Embattled President Announces Reforms but Won't Step Down Despite Protesters' Demands

David Kurtz: Mubarak Staying?

(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)

Top Ten Cloves: Ideas for Mayor Dave Bing to save Detroit

By J. Thomas Duffy

News Item: Mayor of Detroit welcomes any ideas to save troubled city

10. Tell those 400 Super Bowl Fans who got mushed that you won't let them down, that you have 400 seats for them in Detroit

9. Get on the phone with Dolly Parton and see if the two of you can brainstorm "Detroitwood"

8. Help out the Egyptian protesters and see if President Hosni Mubarak would be interested in one of those $1,000 houses

7. Recruit LeBron James so we can hear, "I'm bringing my talents to the Motor City"

6. Beat her to the punch and trademark the name "Sarah Palin" -- you'll make millions

5. Hire Keith Olbermann!

4. Announce that you're bringing in Christina Aguilera to sing "The Star-Spangled Banner at all sporting events in Detroit -- people will flock to the city to see if she flubs the lyrics again.

3. Work out a deal with Faux News and Glenn Beck, and offer Detroit as the first line of defense against the coming Caliphate

2. Call Tim Armstrong and see if AOL is still in the buying mood

1. Run a commercial: "Detroit ... Apply directly to your forehead ... Detroit ... Apply directly to your forehead"

Bonus Riffs

Noonan Gives Palin, McCain A "Full Detroit"

In The "Holy Cow" Dept; Denver Homeless Getting The Noonan "Full Detroit"

(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)

Top Ten Cloves: Things overheard during last night's SOTU

By J. Thomas Duffy

News Item: Obama's Second State of the Union (Text)

10. "We should pass a bill that mandates the SOTU be like Twitter -- 140 characters or less."

9. "I see that Kucinich brought his own sandwich tonight."

8. "Being the Bears fan that he is, I heard he might give Jay Cutler a medal or something."

7. "What's going to happen first, Joe Biden falling asleep or John Boehner crying?"

6. Someone claims Joe Wilson shouted out "Only thing missing is the Mighty Mouse theme music."

5. "Hey, get this, John Thune is going around telling people no way is he going to invest in Sputni."

4. "Well, at least Paul Ryan doesn't look like that 30 Rock page guy.)

3. "Did you see Palin called Reagan "America's Lifeguard" the other day? Is she trying to say Obama belongs at that Pennsylvania swimming club?"

2. "What's the difference between Obama and Taco Bell's meat? Nothing -- neither Taco Bell nor his speech has much beef."

1. "Instead of letting the Tea Party have her, maybe we should have Bachmann give our official response. What's the worst that could happen?"

(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)

Top Ten Cloves: Possible reasons Baby Doc returned to Haiti

By J. Thomas Duffy

News Item: Baby Doc's return to Haiti prompts fury, cheers

10. Just wanted to get some new pics for his Facebook Page

9. Just testing the reception and range of his new, 4G Cell Phone

8. Taking the Rex Ryan approach, and that all he needs to be is be better for one day

7. Inspired by Joe Lieberman to be an upstanding, and courageous politician

6. Making personal appeal to diplomats, to diss him, so he'd have a WikiLeaks file of his own

5. When leaving 25-years ago, forgot his American Express card

4. Part of a pitch, to the Kardashians, to get on their show, saying they need a "President-for-Life

3. Said it was the closest place the plane could land that didn't have any snow

2. Decided it was time to bring his talents to Port-au-Prince

1. Oh Shit! ... Screwed up at airport, was supposed to fly to Tunisia

Bonus Riffs

Tim Padgett: Who Let 'Baby Doc' Duvalier Back into Haiti?

Jonathan M. Katz (CP): With Baby Doc back in Haiti Aristide calls next; says he is ready now

CSM: 5 reasons why Haiti's Jean-Claude Duvalier is infamous

(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)

Top Ten Cloves: Surprises On first day of GOP majority In Congress

By J. Thomas Duffy

News Item: In House, new Republican majority plans to act fast to undo Obama's agenda

10. Representative Steve King (R-IA) insists on having title of House Majority Idiot

9. Republicans hire Rulon Gardner to taunt outgoing Democrats as "The Biggest Losers"

8. To save time, GOP majority insists all floor speeches need to be a Twitter-like 140-characters or less

7. First bill: all members need to be as tanned as new Speaker of the House, John Boehner

6. New Majority Whip Eric Cantor challenges King for House Majority Idiot

5. Swearing in new members is delayed, as newly-elected Tea Party Congressmen show up with misspelled signs and shout down the Speaker

4. New Speaker of House Ceremony delayed -- gavel keeps slipping out of Nancy Pelosi's hand due to it being soaking wet from John Boehner's crying

3. Michele Bachmann gets so excited with having the majority, she gets confused and starts investigating herself for anti-American activities

2. Big confusion -- Tea Party Members thought they were reading the Constitution, but, due to error, actually are reading leaked cables by WikiLeaks

1. LeBron James shows up, announces he's "taking his talents to Congress."

Bonus Links

Igor Volsky: Will Republicans Be Able To Defund Health Reform?

Jack Stuef: Michele Bachmann To Defeat Obama, Be First Female, Banshee President

Kathleen Hennessey and Tom Hamburger: Tea party freshmen embrace status quo - After campaigning against D.C.'s ways, new Republican lawmakers quickly turn to lobbyists and fundraisers

Pat Garofalo: House GOP Repeatedly Promised $100 Billion In Spending Cuts That It Now Calls "Hypothetical"

(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)

Top Ten Cloves: Possible surprises with LeBron James announcement tonight

By J. Thomas Duffy

News Item: LeBron James, ESPN to Air "The Decision": Obnoxious Summer of Me Reaches Climax

10. Shocking confession - It was he who had affair with Al Gore

9. Retiring ... Plans on running for President in 2012, on Tea Party platform - Will name Palin running-mate

8. Retro Ball-Busting - Just as James gets ready to say where he's going, ESPN cuts off to "Heidi"

7. Shocker! ...Deal worked out between USA and Russia, James traded for all the spys, leads Ruskies to Olympic Gold in 2012, rename country after him, all advertising carries his image, and then retired and put out to stud thousands of Little LeBrons

6. James taking year off ... Will apply all his basketball prowess to cleaning up oil in Gulf

5. Along with saying what team he'll play for, announces he's coming out, plants big smacker on Jim Grey

4. Staying with Cavaliers, moving, not just team, but the entire city to new state, renaming it "LeBronJamesville"

3. Announces not going anywhere until Lindsey Lohan is free

2. Says going to Knicks, contingent upon Dancing Harry coming out of retirement

1. Announces he's a new NBA franchise - Will play against league next season, all by himself





(Cross Posted at The Garlic)

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Dick Cheney was visiting Saudi Arabia

News Item: Why Was Cheney in Saudi Arabia?

10. Moonlighting for Fox News - Trying to get Saudis to say Oil Spill is Obama's fault

9. Picking up royalty check, for invading Iraq

8. Trying to give The Politico a scoop

7. Made a pit stop, after visiting Prince Sheikh Issa bin Zayed al-Nahyan, in the UAE, who lined up someone for Cheney to beat and run over

6. Looking for a buyer - Wants to put his old Secret Bunker on the market, for big bucks

5. No here will go hunting with him any longer

  4. Saudis wanted to hear, first hand, the telling of the Leahy "Go-fuck-yourself" story

3. Felt he had to, personally, go over and explain his rabid, nitwit daughter Liz

2. Moonlighting as "Bag Man" for the Carlyle Group

1. Working out a "No Extradition" deal, in the event he gets prosecuted

Top Ten Cloves: Ways to pick out Teabaggers running in Boston Marathon

By J. Thomas Duffy

News Item: Thrilling Finish - Cheruiyot, Erkessa win 114th Boston Marathon

10. When the starting gun goes off, they don't start running, they pull out their guns

9. They have the directions for the course written on the palm of their hands

8. They're the ones, getting pumped up, watching Rush Limbaugh get down, and boogie with Lady Gaga

7. They're the one's with waivers, if injured, not to treat them with government-run healthcare

6. They're the ones boasting they're "locked and loaded" for Hearthbreak Hill

5. Their supporters are the ones with the misspelled signs

4. Instead of wearing their runners' number, they're the one's wearing "Palin-Bachmann 2012" buttons

3. They're the ones complaining that the marathon qualifying standards are "socialism"

2. They're the only ones running in tri-cornered hats

1. Throughout the race, they keep badgering the Kenyan runners, if they know where President Barack Obama was born


Bonus Teabagger Riffs

Well, It Is Oklahoma, After All

Teabaggers Can't Count, Either

Tea Time, Avec Beignets

A Cement Pond of Trouble




(Cross Posted at The Garlic)

Top Ten Cloves: If the Teabaggers were present at other historic moments

By J. Thomas Duffy

News Item: Health care protesters say the Tea Party has only just begun

10. Likely would have protested, and possibly interfered, with Titanic crew lowering the lifeboats

9. As first immigrants arrive at Ellis Island, Teabaggers talking about "sending them home with a bullet in their head"

8. Would have heckled and laughed at the Lindberghs for losing their child

7. Easily dismiss the Cocoanut Grove Fire as a "bunch of liberals" and probably "frustrated taxpayers"

6. Teabaggers would call for hanging, since he had the wrong crowd with him, President Jimmy Carter, for giving away Panama Canal

5. Port Chicago Disaster would have them going apeshit, charging the Democrats with being soft of security

4. Blame for the "Storm of the Century" would have been heaped onto President Bill Clinton

3. Would have found a way to blame deaths in 1980 heatwave and 1995 Chicago heatwave on ACORN

2. If standing on Dallas's grassy knoll in 1963, would have erupted with cheers and celebration

1. Seeing President Roosevelt in wheelchair, they would have taunted him, throwing money at him


Bonus Teabagger Riffs

Pareene: Zombie Founders Weep As Obama Signs Socialist Health Care Grandma-Death Bill

Bob Herbert: An Absence of Class

mcjoan: Republicans Now the Party of Un-governing

Think Progress: Tea Party sign threatens gun violence if health care passes

BruinKid: Rep. Louise Slaughter's (D-NY) CHILDREN get death threat

Lance Mannion: The Constitution as Holy Writ




(Cross-posted at The Garlic.)